Thursday, May 8, 2014

To Newly-Twenty Me

(image credit here)

There will always be moments like this from now on. Moments when you are just scared of whatever happens next. These moments make you human, but these are the moments that would make you want to be invincible. But for invincibility, you have to throw away humanity, for those who are invincible have lost touch with their reality. They become invincible because they have nothing to fear, and the emotions that make people so helplessly weak are the same ones that make them so beautifully human. Fear of what tomorrow will bring, fear that no matter what happens today supernovas somewhere can create their own Big Bang. Your life can implode upon itself in as many stars are there in this galaxy but the universe will not care enough to stop. Rather, it would care too much and live on. All of us have the selfish wish that the world would acknowledge our existence, but there are other galaxies that function without the tiniest idea that we exist. We want the world to stop for our benefit but all it can do is move along and move on.

Raise your head, for even if there are pennies under your feet there is a lot more of the sky and the universe that you ought to see. Raise your chin, for although it is important to be humble you ought to know that you have a place in this earth. In this lifetime, in this century, in this millisecond, you are woven into the fabric of history; you are the needle and thread of one ordinary day of legendary possibilities. Raise your head and your chin, and know enough to claim your place in this earth. Raise your hooded gaze and see what world you have created with your very eyes. Square your shoulders and carry your burdens that you have more than one shoulder to help you carry them, like how people are supposed to stay together and how humans are supposed to be. The curves of your spine are meant to be straightened out, not by violence, but by love. Straighten your back to stand up for what is just; straighten your spine because you stand by what you love. And at the times we involuntarily slump in defeat, we square our shoulders, slap our cheeks. The pain will remind you that you are alive. The pain spurs revenge--the revenge against disappointment and unhappiness by being satisfied and happier.

The positive feelings may not last long. But they never disappear. Same as fear--it will never be removed from society. Each and every individual will possess a smidgen of raw terror at the darkest corners of their hearts, folded into a box that will unlock itself at the best and worst of times.

And it's okay.

It's okay to have and feel fear. It's okay to not be brave all the time, to feel like hiding under fifteen blanket layers and a rotten mask of cool indifference. It's okay to have wobbly knees, stomach butterflies, chills that take elevator rides up and down your spine for fun. It's okay to be a coward sometimes, and to feel like you're not up for the world. It's okay to admit defeat, because if you don't then the real loser is you. You lost to yourself, never to the world and its all-important natural functions, not to the society and their pretentious classifications of what perfection should be. Not to anybody, with different unique beliefs. No. You lose only to yourself, but that's okay. Because then, you can amend. In the end, you can win against the world. Contrary to popular belief, sometimes fighting the losing battle will show more merit in your character than anyone else has to say about you.

It's okay to lose yourself along the way, because eventually you will find and get yourself back. You may come back a little bruised, a few cuts and scrapes and all sorts of injured. You may also not come out in one piece. You can have your soul shattered into a million impossible pieces. Your heart can be ripped out of your chest, a hole punched through, and put back as if nothing happened. That hole may never heal, and maybe you'll be left with a hastily patched up piece of muscle that will not stop bleeding over the lives of the people you meet. It is sometimes not our choice to get hurt, but we go ahead and do it because we're stupidly, beautifully human.

It is okay to doubt being alive, existing in this tiny miracle that we call life. But never doubt your importance, not once, not ever. It is okay to be fearful of yesterday, and tomorrow, to acknowledge the many different phobias that stretch through time and space. But never question your significance, for your memories and experiences can never be repeated or duplicated by any single particle of even the most powerful star in the universe. For the idea of you was important enough that the usually cannot-be-bothered universe has fermented all the atoms that makes you a warm living, breathing creature, and yet it is still the idea of your existence that makes you significant in the existence of the universe.

You are the completion of the map of human existence. Remember your significance, for you are important. No matter what you think the universe says, there are facts that should always keep you going: you have a purpose, and you are important.

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