This Is Home

(image credit here)

How can you
lie
so peacefully
in this bed
when I could barely
let the same sheets
touch my skin?
How
can you close your eyes
and let me sit
in the middle of the kitchen floor
at four in the morning
and watch the sun rise
over this joke of a life
I now have
Cradling a bottle of whiskey
or vodka
or tequila
or some other poison
to my chest
a hole carved out
where my heart used to be
dripping bitter blood
into my glass
half-empty
save for the excuses
I made up for you
Of where you had been
all those nights I slept alone
Probably entwined
around another woman's body
like the night you said you missed me
and I found you on someone else's bed
I can see the lie
at the nape of your neck
All the love crumbling
on that hotel room's doorstep
If I could go back
to the time it fell apart
will I understand
the person I found?
Since when did I start
to not recognize your eyes?
Since when did your scent
told of liar
instead of husband?
The person in front of me
is someone I don't know
Scarier than the monsters
beneath our bed
is the monster
who kissed me goodnight
like he never did
a wrong thing
in his life
Our life together
was not a life at all
A farce, an act
a world
where only you are satisfied
Do you have to ruin
all the lives
of the people
who had the misfortune
to be loved
by
someone--
no--
something
like you?
Before I break
your neck
before I break
my heart
again
and
again
I raise my glass
to cheer the stupidity
of the heart I thought you had killed
but still insists
to beat and live and love
I raise my glass
and let it fall
to break into a hundred jagged points
of pain and waste
an intoxicating mix of something
you had the nerve to call love
I pick a point
any point
and raise it to the light
of a moon
that thinks I'm too pathetic
to show its face
to somebody like me
whose pride
cannot be found anywhere
even at the bottom
of a bottle of alcohol
or under a fake bed
of a pretend marriage
with make-believe vows and promises
You upended my life
and all I get
is a ring on my left hand
that had lost all meaning
it may have ever had
What was supposed to be forever
was forgotten
under the skirts
of a girl
who probably melted
under his touch
like I did
when you promised me
worlds I have never seen
a love I cannot begin to imagine
As I lay my soul bare
for his hands to explore
I tucked these promises
into the pockets of my heart
to save them for later
All those promises
now thrown over his shoulder
after his pants
and all of his other clothes
The hand
with our wedding ring
caressing
somebody else's body
The same lips that kiss me
behind my ear
and under my jaw
whispered some other name
as it skated over a body
that he has broken
with promises he cannot keep
The same lips that kissed me
kissed somebody else
I should have turned
and run away
from those dirty, unfaithful hands
and leave with the remaining shreds
of self-respect
I may have left
And
yet
the
questions
stay
Why does my skin
call out for your touch
when all I can do
is cringe in disgust?
Why do I still curl up
and keep your voice
in a corner of my heart
and let it play
in the absolute silence
of the loneliest nights?
Your existence
can still make me shake
Sway the fortress
I thought I had built
against you
until I realized
that the fortress was still you
it was always you
it always will be you
Why do I choose to stay
when every instinct screams to run away?
I don't want to be
another murder story
of a woman
who lost who she was
when her husband found comfort
in somebody else's arms
I don't want to be
one more death
in a tragic love story
that was doomed from the start
I am no saint
but I could be a martyr
a martyr
to a promise
I swore to keep
I don't need a freedom
that somebody else
has decided
but my own
I will drop the jagged points
that are the shards of our marriage
into the trash
along with everything
I thought was true
Of a house that held
a pretend family
and a living corpse
of a woman once loved
I will climb back into bed
Slip in between the sheets
Let myself be caught
in the prison of his arms
Be part of the tangle
of arms and legs and hair and fingers
and so many nerve endings
Burning, igniting
meeting, departing
Open
the patched-up hole in my chest
Tear apart my rib cage
and set my heart free
Let it bleed
as I lie in this bed
and live the lie I wanted
A lie of love
I am willing to take
as I bury my heart
in the arms
of the man who killed it
and the child that kept it beating
and I smile
close my eyes
and think myself free