Tuesday, May 27, 2014

This Is Home

(image credit here)

How can you
so peacefully
in this bed
when I could barely
let the same sheets
touch my skin?
can you close your eyes
and let me sit
in the middle of the kitchen floor
at four in the morning
and watch the sun rise
over this joke of a life
I now have
Cradling a bottle of whiskey
or vodka
or tequila
or some other poison
to my chest
a hole carved out
where my heart used to be
dripping bitter blood
into my glass
save for the excuses
I made up for you
Of where you had been
all those nights I slept alone
Probably entwined
around another woman's body
like the night you said you missed me
and I found you on someone else's bed
I can see the lie
at the nape of your neck
All the love crumbling
on that hotel room's doorstep
If I could go back
to the time it fell apart
will I understand
the person I found?
Since when did I start
to not recognize your eyes?
Since when did your scent
told of liar
instead of husband?
The person in front of me
is someone I don't know
Scarier than the monsters
beneath our bed
is the monster
who kissed me goodnight
like he never did
a wrong thing
in his life
Our life together
was not a life at all
A farce, an act
a world
where only you are satisfied
Do you have to ruin
all the lives
of the people
who had the misfortune
to be loved
like you?
Before I break
your neck
before I break
my heart
I raise my glass
to cheer the stupidity
of the heart I thought you had killed
but still insists
to beat and live and love
I raise my glass
and let it fall
to break into a hundred jagged points
of pain and waste
an intoxicating mix of something
you had the nerve to call love
I pick a point
any point
and raise it to the light
of a moon
that thinks I'm too pathetic
to show its face
to somebody like me
whose pride
cannot be found anywhere
even at the bottom
of a bottle of alcohol
or under a fake bed
of a pretend marriage
with make-believe vows and promises
You upended my life
and all I get
is a ring on my left hand
that had lost all meaning
it may have ever had
What was supposed to be forever
was forgotten
under the skirts
of a girl
who probably melted
under his touch
like I did
when you promised me
worlds I have never seen
a love I cannot begin to imagine
As I lay my soul bare
for his hands to explore
I tucked these promises
into the pockets of my heart
to save them for later
All those promises
now thrown over his shoulder
after his pants
and all of his other clothes
The hand
with our wedding ring
somebody else's body
The same lips that kiss me
behind my ear
and under my jaw
whispered some other name
as it skated over a body
that he has broken
with promises he cannot keep
The same lips that kissed me
kissed somebody else
I should have turned
and run away
from those dirty, unfaithful hands
and leave with the remaining shreds
of self-respect
I may have left
Why does my skin
call out for your touch
when all I can do
is cringe in disgust?
Why do I still curl up
and keep your voice
in a corner of my heart
and let it play
in the absolute silence
of the loneliest nights?
Your existence
can still make me shake
Sway the fortress
I thought I had built
against you
until I realized
that the fortress was still you
it was always you
it always will be you
Why do I choose to stay
when every instinct screams to run away?
I don't want to be
another murder story
of a woman
who lost who she was
when her husband found comfort
in somebody else's arms
I don't want to be
one more death
in a tragic love story
that was doomed from the start
I am no saint
but I could be a martyr
a martyr
to a promise
I swore to keep
I don't need a freedom
that somebody else
has decided
but my own
I will drop the jagged points
that are the shards of our marriage
into the trash
along with everything
I thought was true
Of a house that held
a pretend family
and a living corpse
of a woman once loved
I will climb back into bed
Slip in between the sheets
Let myself be caught
in the prison of his arms
Be part of the tangle
of arms and legs and hair and fingers
and so many nerve endings
Burning, igniting
meeting, departing
the patched-up hole in my chest
Tear apart my rib cage
and set my heart free
Let it bleed
as I lie in this bed
and live the lie I wanted
A lie of love
I am willing to take
as I bury my heart
in the arms
of the man who killed it
and the child that kept it beating
and I smile
close my eyes
and think myself free

Friday, May 23, 2014

Let Me Stay

(image credit here and here)

Please shut the door and follow me home
Let me lead you back
to the space between my arms,
the place where I can always hold you safe
Don't look inside the room
no one's inside
I promise you
there is no one inside
that will break us apart
Please close your eyes
against the ugly truth
That we are standing
a hotel room for two
in a city
five thousand miles away
from where I told you
I'll be
Please believe me
when I say
I was alone
Please don't stare
at all the signs
screaming at your face
Don't sniff out the lie
or the perfume
that wasn't yours
Don't reach out
to rub out
the lipstick smudge that wasn't yours
or the kiss you didn't give
on my neck
Let's walk away
from everything I've done
Please hold my hand
and it will strive to forget
the body it held
that was not yours
There will be no girl
inside that room
if you promise to forget
tonight ever happened
I would never have lied
And you would never have caught me
So please
let us go away
You and I
Back to our world
where you love me
and I love you
Let me love the pain away
strangle the accusations out of your throat
smother your lips with mine
to mute the sobs
that only betrayal can make
drown out your tears
in a sea of endless apologies
I will never be not sorry
for as long as I live
for as long as you let me
for as long as you want me
I will l tell you how much I love you
Like how I could
Like how I should always would
I will cook your scrambled eggs with cheese
just how you like them
Dance a waltz with you
while the radio plays rock and roll
Wash the dirty laundry
Throw away the trash
Break my ribs, take out my heart
Find the lies and rip them apart
Please let me try
to make things right
Let me make you forget tonight
Let me say sorry
Let me stay
Let's walk away
and close the door
Let the girl sleep
and let the light
of the morning sun
kiss her awake
instead of me
Let the bed cling to her body
every square foot
of skin and bone
be covered with sheets
that are the untold story
of all the correct mistakes
we think we made
instead of letting my lips
travel down
the planes and courses
of a body
that wasn't mine to keep
of a body
of a person
that wasn't mine
to anything
Let my fingers tangle with yours
instead of fisting them in her hair
Let me whisper your name
into your ear
into the beautiful curves
of heryour collarbones
Let me slip your clothes off your shoulders
Let your legs end and curl up with mine
Let me be yours
only you
So let go of the doorknob
and take my hand
Let's walk down the hallway
and out the hotel
Back to our house
our room
our world
Our bed
our sheets
our bodies
And when we wake up
let me cook the breakfast
and feed the baby
Let me stay
you and me
Our family of three

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

After The Act

(image credit here)

I disentagle myself
from the stained 
and crumpled sheets
Blink at the bleak morning light
peeking through the curtains
from a sun
too ashamed
to share its light
on somebody like me
whose dignity
lay in pieces
scattered across the room
like every piece of dirty laundry
that came off
with the remaining shreds
of self-respect
I may have left
For there is no turning back
from the time I lay open
Every part of my trembling soul
for his dirty unfaithful hands
to touch
to claim
to possess
and I gave it to him
Every last inch of the woman I tried to become
Somebody-to be's perfect muse
Somebody-to-be's ideal wife
as I slowly became the woman
I never wanted to be
There was no fitting the pieces back together
Because the moment he touched me
I was undone
The thread unwinding from the tapestry
of my perfectly imagined future
The moment he touched me
he crushed my soul into powder
I became the drug, the perfect escape
the scapegoat to all his mistakes
The moment
I let him touch me
ended any beginnings
I may have left
in this lifetime
There was no future
with a person
who'd replace his present with me
A present full of diapers and teething rings
Lipstick stains on collars
Phone numbers hidden in cigarette packs
A tan line on the left hand's fourth finger
And lying
and cheating
I became another notch
in another couple's bedpost
Another notch in the belt
of a cheating scumbag
Another check off
an adulterer's fuck list
I look around the room and observe
the crime scene of the death
of the me I could respect
I see the murder of a girl
who has no idea
of what a woman really is
That more than enticing flesh
model bone structure
and beauty that all the make-up
and fashion can fake
Was that the woman that died in that room
could have had so much
without having him
That she was infinitely more
than a one-night stand
or nights with a borrowed husband
That she deserved more
than being a lie or a secret
That she deserved to be loved
for the whole universe to see
But she will never know
for no one will tell her she was right
no one but the reflection
on the cracked bathroom mirror
of a girl with messy hair
a tear-streaked face
lips swollen from last night's sins
and a broken soul
who will tell her she regrets
ever saying yes
never saying no
No one will tell her
that after she leaves that room
she will meet the man
who wouldn't mind her scars
and wash away the stains
left by the man who bled her dignity dry
She will meet the man who will love her
and let the universe know
But no one will tell her
because she never left the room
The cracks on the mirror became a fissure
a breaking
to the blue-green lines
just under the skin
the warm, warm skin
of her face
her palms
her lips
her wrists
Long, jagged lines
of purple and blue-green
slashed to dark
dark red
No one will tell her anything
No one will tell her to fight
for she owns no one
no one to fight for her
no one to fight for
no one to fight
no one

Thursday, May 8, 2014

To Newly-Twenty Me

(image credit here)

There will always be moments like this from now on. Moments when you are just scared of whatever happens next. These moments make you human, but these are the moments that would make you want to be invincible. But for invincibility, you have to throw away humanity, for those who are invincible have lost touch with their reality. They become invincible because they have nothing to fear, and the emotions that make people so helplessly weak are the same ones that make them so beautifully human. Fear of what tomorrow will bring, fear that no matter what happens today supernovas somewhere can create their own Big Bang. Your life can implode upon itself in as many stars are there in this galaxy but the universe will not care enough to stop. Rather, it would care too much and live on. All of us have the selfish wish that the world would acknowledge our existence, but there are other galaxies that function without the tiniest idea that we exist. We want the world to stop for our benefit but all it can do is move along and move on.

Raise your head, for even if there are pennies under your feet there is a lot more of the sky and the universe that you ought to see. Raise your chin, for although it is important to be humble you ought to know that you have a place in this earth. In this lifetime, in this century, in this millisecond, you are woven into the fabric of history; you are the needle and thread of one ordinary day of legendary possibilities. Raise your head and your chin, and know enough to claim your place in this earth. Raise your hooded gaze and see what world you have created with your very eyes. Square your shoulders and carry your burdens that you have more than one shoulder to help you carry them, like how people are supposed to stay together and how humans are supposed to be. The curves of your spine are meant to be straightened out, not by violence, but by love. Straighten your back to stand up for what is just; straighten your spine because you stand by what you love. And at the times we involuntarily slump in defeat, we square our shoulders, slap our cheeks. The pain will remind you that you are alive. The pain spurs revenge--the revenge against disappointment and unhappiness by being satisfied and happier.

The positive feelings may not last long. But they never disappear. Same as fear--it will never be removed from society. Each and every individual will possess a smidgen of raw terror at the darkest corners of their hearts, folded into a box that will unlock itself at the best and worst of times.

And it's okay.

It's okay to have and feel fear. It's okay to not be brave all the time, to feel like hiding under fifteen blanket layers and a rotten mask of cool indifference. It's okay to have wobbly knees, stomach butterflies, chills that take elevator rides up and down your spine for fun. It's okay to be a coward sometimes, and to feel like you're not up for the world. It's okay to admit defeat, because if you don't then the real loser is you. You lost to yourself, never to the world and its all-important natural functions, not to the society and their pretentious classifications of what perfection should be. Not to anybody, with different unique beliefs. No. You lose only to yourself, but that's okay. Because then, you can amend. In the end, you can win against the world. Contrary to popular belief, sometimes fighting the losing battle will show more merit in your character than anyone else has to say about you.

It's okay to lose yourself along the way, because eventually you will find and get yourself back. You may come back a little bruised, a few cuts and scrapes and all sorts of injured. You may also not come out in one piece. You can have your soul shattered into a million impossible pieces. Your heart can be ripped out of your chest, a hole punched through, and put back as if nothing happened. That hole may never heal, and maybe you'll be left with a hastily patched up piece of muscle that will not stop bleeding over the lives of the people you meet. It is sometimes not our choice to get hurt, but we go ahead and do it because we're stupidly, beautifully human.

It is okay to doubt being alive, existing in this tiny miracle that we call life. But never doubt your importance, not once, not ever. It is okay to be fearful of yesterday, and tomorrow, to acknowledge the many different phobias that stretch through time and space. But never question your significance, for your memories and experiences can never be repeated or duplicated by any single particle of even the most powerful star in the universe. For the idea of you was important enough that the usually cannot-be-bothered universe has fermented all the atoms that makes you a warm living, breathing creature, and yet it is still the idea of your existence that makes you significant in the existence of the universe.

You are the completion of the map of human existence. Remember your significance, for you are important. No matter what you think the universe says, there are facts that should always keep you going: you have a purpose, and you are important.