Thursday, August 29, 2013

In the Cusp of Being Not Okay

There were nights when I just couldn't fall asleep, then I think of you and feel calmer. There was a little room in my head that I will go to, and in there, even in total darkness, I felt that you were there beside me. Telling that everything was going to be alright. Holding me safe within the protection of your arms. And then real life comes in the form of a light, bringing me closer to the fact that I was alone in that room and I was probably close to clinically crazy.

I loathed light because it was bright, and it doesn't have the safety of night, and darkness, and the secret of your embrace and and gentle touches and soft whispers. In that little room in my head I was the happiest I can be, but then there was a whole house left full of you that made me want to lock the room's door and throw away the key.

For the rest of the house was silent, cold, untouched.

Because you weren't there, not anymore.

You only lived int the little room in my head, and when morning light comes you fade away. You disappear, and I force myself to stay awake. I forced the panic to a faint fluttering in my chest before it consumes me, as I wait for morning to be over.

I wait for the night to return, so I can close my eyes in bittersweet relief and retreat to that little room in my head.

In my head, I was in your arms again.

The calm returns, and now

I can go to sleep.

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