Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Hello To Myself

Dear You:

The notion of being older isn't entirely new to you; you've known it for as long as you lived. Another cycle begins to fade into a new one, and another notch is made at this signpost we call life.

You're older now. Supposedly wiser. Supposedly able to magically pick all the right decisions. To not mistake salt from sugar in unlabeled jars. Supposedly never needing to use the phrases "I don't know" and "I don't understand". To follow the life path set out for you and fill the niche prepared for you in society. But doesn't it seem weird to you that as you get older you learn how to drive, yet heighten the chances of you getting lost? You find the means of going places, yet you are lost and you don't know where to go. There are accidents, detours, and potholes along the way. Blocked roads because of reconstructions. You learn how to drive, yet you find yourself stuck in the same place, with the same people, and you can't go away. Isn't that strange?

You're at the last year of your teens. By next year you'll be entering a new decade. You still don't know how to drive; you can barely ride a bicycle. You cook okay. You hate ironing clothes because you burnt one of your school skirts right before preparing for your final exams (by accident of course). You prepare washing clothes and dishes because you think the water helps you think (it's a theor, or a trick of the mind, a coincidence like right now, writing this after washing the dishes). You have a horrible attention span (you speak in parenthesis a lot, write things you never say out loud in your head. See?). And studying? You love learning, but the process of studying isn't actually your strongest point. Old enough to work, to vote, to get married, to get pregnant, to laugh at the last two things and yet know in the back of your head that in can come true. You're old enough to live by yourself, yet at this point you're not really sure what--or who--you are living for, besides yourself. Simply, you think this is selfish. And childish. Definitely not an adult.

You've had a taste (a very brief one at that) of what work is like, of what the real world will be like. Of how society translates your dream into reality. And you might not say it out loud, but now you're more scared than ever. Scared of what happens after graduation. Of what happens after you leave the safety and security of the four walls of your university. Of how you think that you're not good enough for society after all. Of how maybe, you've become too overconfident about the skills you think you have but really just imaginarily possess. Of uprooting yourself from familiarity and venturing into the great unknown. Of how, despite being the most apathetic you've been towards university life, you realize how much you're going to miss being in the same room with your blockmates. Of how you're going to miss people and experiences however intimidated or incompetent they make you feel. Because deep down, you want a challenge. Really, you're just too lazy to act on anything. And you slowly learn to hate yourself for everything.

But you grow old and you grow up. With growth comes acceptance... and improvement. And though the world has invisible deadlines for these things, remember that it is your life and your pace. Though one of your bad points is being too "my pace" (a good phrase for procrastination and laziness combined with the refusal to be pulled along into everyone's expectations), it can work to your advantage if you let it work for you. It can mean that you know what you want to be. It can mean that you know what you want to be. It can mean that no matter how long it takes, you have a goal to achieve. That no matter how hard it is, you take everything in stride and do your best. Except right now, you aren't exactly doing all that you can. Right now, instead of being better you are at your worst: it's like the feeling of losing your steering wheel in the middle of the race. Right now, you're panicking and praying and crying... but not doing anythig else. You say you put effort ehrn you really don't. Or maybe you do, but it's not good enough. You don't do anything because some part of you has already given up. Has already settled for less than what you really deserve. Has already stopped believing in yourself and that better things can still happen; that no matter how cliche it sounds, good things come to those who wait.

You have to start believing in things again.

Smiles. Kind words. Laughter. A Post-it note. Deadlines. Time, and how it won't stop coming just because you're afraid of it (be strong). Space, and how sometimes even the people you love can ask for it (they're not pushing you away). Even in things you don't know and don't really understand, because sometimes blind faith makes you realize that there is still so much more to conquer out there. Like love. And friendship. And that physics class on your senior year in high school. And alchemy. And how bonds are formed. Chemistry, relationships, how everything can be a mess and how something beautiful can be formed and discovered despite and in spite of everything. How everyone and everything has a story to tell the world, the galaxies, the universe and everything else out there. That when time comes that we don't understand how things stand, there is a greater power that puts circumstances in order. Love, and how it will come in different people (you will get your own. Someday. Believe it.). And hope. There are still a lot of reasons for it out there.

But more importantly, you have to learn to start believing in yourself again. You know you have faults and failures (a lot of them) and you accept that. But you also have to accept that you also have the ability to fix that. You are not perfect, but that doesn't mean you should dwell on your bad points forever. Humans are exceptional creatures because they can pass judgement between right and wrong. You have to start being more human, more yourself, than some carbon copy of your projected expectations of the person you think you are or the person you want to be. 

There are three hundred and sixty-four days until you say goodbye to a decade of your life, and say hello to a new one. Was it well spent? How would you look back?

I hope you don't remember anything with just regret. Life deserves more from you than that. 

You have had your fair share of good and bad stuff. Don't take it too hard on yourself when you get the bad stuff, and always remember to keep your head and feet grounded when you get the good stuff. Remember that you have friends and family beside you.

Never forget. Never regret.

Wounds will heal. Time will soften the damage. Live your life, because it is yours alone to do so. No one will do it better than yourself. Also, don't shove yourself into cliches to make yourself feel better. You are more than the words in a dictionary or an element in the periodic table.

You are alive.

Make the most out of it kiddo. Good luck.

May the force be with you, whatever that may be.

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