You Wake Up, Another Year Has Gone

Hey, you.

Life Lately

Sooooooo I've been MIA for the longest time, but it's been quite a busy time in my life (#HowDoYouAdultTBH).

How do I even begin.

This Is Home

(image credit here)

How can you
lie
so peacefully
in this bed
when I could barely
let the same sheets
touch my skin?
How
can you close your eyes
and let me sit
in the middle of the kitchen floor
at four in the morning
and watch the sun rise
over this joke of a life
I now have
Cradling a bottle of whiskey
or vodka
or tequila
or some other poison
to my chest
a hole carved out
where my heart used to be
dripping bitter blood
into my glass
half-empty
save for the excuses
I made up for you
Of where you had been
all those nights I slept alone
Probably entwined
around another woman's body
like the night you said you missed me
and I found you on someone else's bed
I can see the lie
at the nape of your neck
All the love crumbling
on that hotel room's doorstep
If I could go back
to the time it fell apart
will I understand
the person I found?
Since when did I start
to not recognize your eyes?
Since when did your scent
told of liar
instead of husband?
The person in front of me
is someone I don't know
Scarier than the monsters
beneath our bed
is the monster
who kissed me goodnight
like he never did
a wrong thing
in his life
Our life together
was not a life at all
A farce, an act
a world
where only you are satisfied
Do you have to ruin
all the lives
of the people
who had the misfortune
to be loved
by
someone--
no--
something
like you?
Before I break
your neck
before I break
my heart
again
and
again
I raise my glass
to cheer the stupidity
of the heart I thought you had killed
but still insists
to beat and live and love
I raise my glass
and let it fall
to break into a hundred jagged points
of pain and waste
an intoxicating mix of something
you had the nerve to call love
I pick a point
any point
and raise it to the light
of a moon
that thinks I'm too pathetic
to show its face
to somebody like me
whose pride
cannot be found anywhere
even at the bottom
of a bottle of alcohol
or under a fake bed
of a pretend marriage
with make-believe vows and promises
You upended my life
and all I get
is a ring on my left hand
that had lost all meaning
it may have ever had
What was supposed to be forever
was forgotten
under the skirts
of a girl
who probably melted
under his touch
like I did
when you promised me
worlds I have never seen
a love I cannot begin to imagine
As I lay my soul bare
for his hands to explore
I tucked these promises
into the pockets of my heart
to save them for later
All those promises
now thrown over his shoulder
after his pants
and all of his other clothes
The hand
with our wedding ring
caressing
somebody else's body
The same lips that kiss me
behind my ear
and under my jaw
whispered some other name
as it skated over a body
that he has broken
with promises he cannot keep
The same lips that kissed me
kissed somebody else
I should have turned
and run away
from those dirty, unfaithful hands
and leave with the remaining shreds
of self-respect
I may have left
And
yet
the
questions
stay
Why does my skin
call out for your touch
when all I can do
is cringe in disgust?
Why do I still curl up
and keep your voice
in a corner of my heart
and let it play
in the absolute silence
of the loneliest nights?
Your existence
can still make me shake
Sway the fortress
I thought I had built
against you
until I realized
that the fortress was still you
it was always you
it always will be you
Why do I choose to stay
when every instinct screams to run away?
I don't want to be
another murder story
of a woman
who lost who she was
when her husband found comfort
in somebody else's arms
I don't want to be
one more death
in a tragic love story
that was doomed from the start
I am no saint
but I could be a martyr
a martyr
to a promise
I swore to keep
I don't need a freedom
that somebody else
has decided
but my own
I will drop the jagged points
that are the shards of our marriage
into the trash
along with everything
I thought was true
Of a house that held
a pretend family
and a living corpse
of a woman once loved
I will climb back into bed
Slip in between the sheets
Let myself be caught
in the prison of his arms
Be part of the tangle
of arms and legs and hair and fingers
and so many nerve endings
Burning, igniting
meeting, departing
Open
the patched-up hole in my chest
Tear apart my rib cage
and set my heart free
Let it bleed
as I lie in this bed
and live the lie I wanted
A lie of love
I am willing to take
as I bury my heart
in the arms
of the man who killed it
and the child that kept it beating
and I smile
close my eyes
and think myself free

Let Me Stay

(image credit here and here)

Please shut the door and follow me home
Let me lead you back
to the space between my arms,
the place where I can always hold you safe
Don't look inside the room
no one's inside
I promise you
there is no one inside
that will break us apart
Please close your eyes
against the ugly truth
That we are standing
outside
a hotel room for two
in a city
five thousand miles away
from where I told you
I'll be
Please believe me
when I say
I was alone
Please don't stare
at all the signs
screaming at your face
Don't sniff out the lie
or the perfume
that wasn't yours
Don't reach out
to rub out
the lipstick smudge that wasn't yours
or the kiss you didn't give
on my neck
Just
please
don't
say
anything
Let's walk away
from everything I've done
Please hold my hand
and it will strive to forget
the body it held
that was not yours
There will be no girl
inside that room
if you promise to forget
tonight ever happened
I would never have lied
And you would never have caught me
So please
let us go away
You and I
Back to our world
where you love me
and I love you
Let me love the pain away
strangle the accusations out of your throat
smother your lips with mine
to mute the sobs
that only betrayal can make
drown out your tears
in a sea of endless apologies
I will never be not sorry
for as long as I live
for as long as you let me
for as long as you want me
I will l tell you how much I love you
Like how I could
Like how I should always would
I will cook your scrambled eggs with cheese
just how you like them
Dance a waltz with you
while the radio plays rock and roll
Wash the dirty laundry
Throw away the trash
Break my ribs, take out my heart
Find the lies and rip them apart
Please let me try
to make things right
Let me make you forget tonight
Let me say sorry
Let me stay
Let's walk away
and close the door
Let the girl sleep
and let the light
of the morning sun
kiss her awake
instead of me
Let the bed cling to her body
every square foot
of skin and bone
be covered with sheets
that are the untold story
of all the correct mistakes
we think we made
instead of letting my lips
travel down
the planes and courses
of a body
that wasn't mine to keep
of a body
of a person
that wasn't mine
to anything
Let my fingers tangle with yours
instead of fisting them in her hair
Let me whisper your name
into your ear
into the beautiful curves
of heryour collarbones
Let me slip your clothes off your shoulders
Let your legs end and curl up with mine
Let me be yours
you
only you
So let go of the doorknob
and take my hand
Let's walk down the hallway
and out the hotel
Back to our house
our room
our world
Our bed
our sheets
our bodies
And when we wake up
let me cook the breakfast
and feed the baby
Let me stay
Let
us
stay
you and me
Our family of three

After The Act

(image credit here)

I disentagle myself

from the stained 

and crumpled sheets

Blink at the bleak morning light

peeking through the curtains

from a sun

too ashamed

to share its light

on somebody like me

whose dignity

lay in pieces

scattered across the room

like every piece of dirty laundry

that came off

with the remaining shreds

of self-respect

I may have left

For there is no turning back

from the time I lay open

Every part of my trembling soul

for his dirty unfaithful hands

to touch

to claim

to possess

opress

and I gave it to him

Every last inch of the woman I tried to become

Somebody-to be's perfect muse

Somebody-to-be's ideal wife

as I slowly became the woman

I never wanted to be

There was no fitting the pieces back together

Because the moment he touched me

I was undone

The thread unwinding from the tapestry

of my perfectly imagined future

The moment he touched me

he crushed my soul into powder

I became the drug, the perfect escape

the scapegoat to all his mistakes

The moment

I let him touch me

ended any beginnings

I may have left

in this lifetime

There was no future

with a person

who'd replace his present with me

A present full of diapers and teething rings

Lipstick stains on collars

Phone numbers hidden in cigarette packs

A tan line on the left hand's fourth finger

And lying

and cheating

I became another notch

in another couple's bedpost

Another notch in the belt

of a cheating scumbag

Another check off

an adulterer's fuck list

I look around the room and observe

the crime scene of the death

of the me I could respect

I see the murder of a girl

who has no idea

of what a woman really is

That more than enticing flesh

model bone structure

and beauty that all the make-up

and fashion can fake

Was that the woman that died in that room

could have had so much

without having him

That she was infinitely more

than a one-night stand

or nights with a borrowed husband

That she deserved more

than being a lie or a secret

That she deserved to be loved

for the whole universe to see

But she will never know

for no one will tell her she was right

no one but the reflection

on the cracked bathroom mirror

of a girl with messy hair

a tear-streaked face

lips swollen from last night's sins

and a broken soul

who will tell her she regrets

ever saying yes

never saying no

No one will tell her

that after she leaves that room

she will meet the man

who wouldn't mind her scars

and wash away the stains

left by the man who bled her dignity dry

She will meet the man who will love her

and let the universe know

But no one will tell her

because she never left the room

The cracks on the mirror became a fissure

a breaking

point

to the blue-green lines

just under the skin

the warm, warm skin

of her face

her palms

her lips

her wrists

Long, jagged lines

of purple and blue-green

slashed to dark

dark red

No one will tell her anything

No one will tell her to fight

for she owns no one

no one to fight for her

no one to fight for

no one to fight

no one

no

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